Recently, I put an ad out in a local email list serve for my Soul Purpose Mentoring program that resulted in an unexpected and awfully unfriendly response.

I have used list serves to share my offerings with my community for almost a decade. List serves have helped me to connect with community members in meaningful ways as I let people know about my services, workshops, classes, and more. This particular ad mentioned how I was offering free Soul Purpose calls to help people connect creativity with a sense of purpose. I typed the ad onto the server and moved on with my day.

The next day I happened to take a peek at the list serve, and I saw a public response to my ad. As I scrolled through the reply, my stomach started to turn. Someone clearly thought I was a swindler. They had listed every demeaning permutation of my last name possible, mentioned how I was acting as a kind of “false profit,” and warned people that I was only looking to scam people out of money.

Ouch.

I had looked at this message minutes before going live for a Zoom yoga class—what a bad idea! Now I had these nasty comments floating in my body and mind as I was trying to lead my yoga class. But as it turned out, the pause that I had to take between reading the commentary and replying was a blessing. I created some space in my body, and teaching live kept my mind focused on the present moment and not obsessing on typing up an angry and defensive reply.

But I was sure ready to write my response when I was finished class.

At first I thought of all the ways I could be defensive and explain how this person was way out of line and flat out wrong. But something switched inside me, and instead I started typing from a place of humor and humility. Instead I asked: In what way is this person right?

First, I acknowledged that this person had come up with some pretty inventive permutations of my name. I had to laugh and recognize the creativity in that. Then, I went on to commend them for the intention to keep our community members safe. Honestly, we have to look out for each other. Then, I apologized for the confusion in my message. I went on to better explain who I was, what my background and training was in, and how I work with people in my line of work. I also explained that I was actually very happy to talk with people for free, and that no one is obligated to work with me further.

I sent my response to the person privately first and then to the list serve. Within minutes of sending off the email I had a reply. Yikes.. I thought—now what I am getting into!

I got an honest apology. The person acknowledged that they were out of line, that they didn’t actually know anything about me, and that they should have reflected more before hitting send. I replied that I was grateful for the retort because it showed me how important it is to be very clear about who I am and what I hope to bring to people. We had a friendly exchange and ultimately there were no hard feelings.

I did send my response to the list serve and I had many people reply to me in praise of my reaction. They said it was light hearted, kind, and honest; a refreshing change in this age of ultra negative comments.

This entire exchange was a lesson to me in how to approach criticism and how to show up in service. It is so easy to get defensive and angry when someone disagrees with us or wants to put us down. I sure wanted to be angry! But I was lucky to realize that I had a choice in how to react in that moment. I think one of the best phrases we can offer when we are in that kind of interchange is “you are right.” I asked myself, how can I tell this person that they are right? In what specific ways are they right? How could I show up better?

In the same way that a gratitude practice helps us be better people, showing up with humility has many benefits. It lessens our anxiety, it increases self control, and it earns more respect in the long run.

Now—I’m not sure humility is the best response in the face of violence, racism, and extremism. There are times when it is important to hold a line and say “you are wrong.” But even in those moments we still have a choice in how we show up and what we say. For the majority of our daily exchanges, we just might find many gifts wrapped up in the act of being courteous in our responses and acknowledging the ways in which we can be more humble.

I want to know!

• When have you been the recipient of some harsh criticism?

• Are you able to pause and reflect before you respond?

• In what ways are you able to grow in the face of negative comments?

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